Spin That Wheel
by Zarius
Summary: The first season of the 1987 TMNT cartoon...as if it were an episode of "The Thick of It". Raphael, spin doctor for the goverment's DASFOOT department, faces his first true test as his family come to the rescue of a distressed reporter and find themselves under suspicion of a series of thefts.
1. Episode I

**SPIN THAT WHEEL**

**Or, "What If TMNT Were More Like The Thick Of It and VEEP?"**

**WRITTEN BY ZARIUS**

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><p><strong>DISCLAIMER:<strong> _TMNT_ is trademarked by Nickelodeon, _The Thick of It _is trademarked by the BBC. This parody fanfic is for non-profit purposes only

**Note:** Ok, for the uninitiated, _The Thick of It i_s a political satire comedy series which starred Peter Capaldi (of _Doctor Who_ fame) as Malcom Tucker. It inspired a movie called In The Loop and led also to the cult HBO political comedy _VEEP._ This is an attempt at taking the first season of the original TMNT animated series and developing it as if it were happening within the tightrope UK political system

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><p><strong>EPISODE I<strong>

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><p><strong>Department of Associated Spin For Onorthodox Original Trendsetters (DASFOOT)<br>**

**LONDON**

"Here's what you want to hear Sensei, I'll spin it to your satisfaction, so in the very instance you hire me for being able to give you convincing rope to hang me on in one of your spiteful afternoons tinkering with what to send your mates via e-mail on the off chance you choose to toss me to the curb, in this _very_ instance you hire me for this, you also get to play a part in our family drama once again, so you replace the "son, I told you so" stare on your complexion with "son, I am there for you and my words carry great weight". Ready? Here it goes: I don't understand this" said Raphael as he slouched backwards in the chair opposite his mentor Hamato Yoshi in the main offices of DASFOOT, "I can't write this, I sure as shell can't say it.I am a rubber bullet. I will bounce off everyone and they will not feel a thing. I'll be resigning before resignations become the hot topic of this department seven years well off from now"

"I would counter that by saying , on a private record and even a public one, that those were unwise words" said Yoshi as he sipped his mug of soothing herbal tea, "And I would remind you and any who listened to my proposed answer that one must always remember the path you were placed on"

"The path I was placed on was a POND Sensei, sitting all day chewing on fucking leafs expecting Kermit the Punk Frog to start belting out rainbow connections like a fanny"

"Everything after your genesis is important" continued Yoshi

"Did you ever see me in that University class? I was bawling my fucking eyes out thinking a bunch of alien greys were mincing with me. 'Alien Abduction' as the Grant Morrisons of this world go on about, take a few steps down a hill and you have enlightenment, bull and cock you do, high as a kite they were. You know those 80s yankie drug ads where the boy goes "you're a turkey?", that's me, right gobbledygook I was typing up in there, my mind was going through a right royal bollocking all because of the expectations you were placing on me. Fucking embarrassing that. I have no education in this field. Zero"

"In time, you will run your course. All you need is a solid foundation to form a footstep" continued Yoshi, happy to keep playing the game of spin and counter-spin.

"They passed me out of pity, probably afraid I'd cave in and top myself. Could have done that you know" Raphael continued, staring out at the huddled pool of lively bodies at work in the department cubicles outside of the main office, oblivious to his private pain

"..Back there in the mincing hospital, there was a window open where the telly room was. I almost popped out, would have been a breeze to have a breeze knocking me over, better than staying here listening to your zen fucking _nick _lowe shite"

"You long for home, it is written in your eyes. Home is where the first steps were taken, perhaps it is where you will flow forward from also" continued Yoshi, taking a soothing sip from his mug of hot tea.

"The same damp den where either science rules, or surf's up, or where "fearless leader" comes up with another excuse to play renascense man and cosplays as a fucking Musketeer? I signed up with your department to play the right kind of pool, they want to play in the kiddie shallow end so badly they'd make Rolf Harris red with impatience"

The pair were swiftly interrupted by a bespectacled woman with long hair tied back in a bun wearing a bright blue turtleneck sweater.

"You might want to switch over to 24 guys. There's been another break-in, and a reporter was attacked"

"24? They haven't called BBC News that in years, you still living that golden year of 2003 where that wanker musician gave you that sweater, which probably passed for a blanket for his fucking knitted cats?"

The woman tugged at her sweater ever so slightly, a cross expression on her face. She turned and stormed down the corridor of the main DASFOOT hub muttering small insults pertaining to Raph under her rather audible breath.

Raphael followed her out, as he did, he bumped into an unnerving indivdual in a pink collar shirt, brown braces attached to his unflattering patchy brown trousers. He stumbled with his words and fiddled with his touchpad, bringing up a website.

"What are you looking up Vernon ?" asked Yoshi as Vernon took the seat Raphael had been sitting in.

"For the record, I am never going to get used to that giant thing lounging around the office." he said

"If it sooths your shaken soul, I am requested he spend time with his family" said Yoshi, "Now tell me, what are you looking for?"

"Trying to find if Baxter's program started trending. We had to divert some funding over from the housing project to fund a fraction of it, I just hope it's made the 'rounds"

"If it hasn't, we can always try again in another few months, this is a project that does not lose traction" said Yoshi

"What do you bloody care? You don't see a problem with rodents. If you did, the pet you keep in your cage over there would be the first thing fed to Baxter's boys"

"Not every problem can be handled with as much care as I give my pet problems" said Yoshi, getting up from his desk and taking a few crumbs of leftover chocolate biscuit over to a rodent encased in a hamster cage. It disembarked from it's treadmill and stayed anchored to the spot as the crumbs of biscuit were dropped into the cage via the small gaps in the grid surrounding the cage.

"Shit, not even in the recommended stories files. Chris Fish was right, nothing we send out on this issue will matter to anyone. Ever. I bet even Baxter's sodding manifesto is barely enough to cover two pages. Christ, we're going to have to cut the funds or the project, and I know that fucker Burne will be wanting the latter"

"Results are never immediate, that is a concern of the national press with our affiliated parties" said Yoshi

"You're well keen to spread some tender loving mercy to a fucking flat-liner of a project" remarked Vernon as he stared upwards at the spinning fan above.

Raphael observed the television in the center of the room playing out a live news report relating to a recent attack on an American news reporter investigating robberies from three scientific departments. She had asked what many of the stolen devices

"Listen to this guy, it's magic. A fucking classic this" said the bombastic Burne Thompson to Raphael as they watched the news report cover the journalist's archive of interviews with top scientists at the institutes that were burgled

_"They acquired two positronic accelerators, four reverse polarity indicators, and one sideway generator"_

_"What does all this equipment do?" _

_"I have absolutely no idea" _

Burne laughed coldly, "That's exactly why I'm looking to cut these departments. Big words fed to the wrong guys, a principle example of poor media communication relations. Who needs to yank them off the stage when they're hanging themselves free of charge?"

"Suddenly I don't feel like the lone voice in the fucking wilderness" said Raphael, nudging Thompson, "Might as well call Baxter and give him the good news we're freezing the project. He'll assume like a paranoid putz that it's because of the robberies"

"We'll formerly announce the closures this coming Thursday, how does that sound?" said Thompson

"Try and make it a 6 o'clock deadline, no way is BBC Breakfast sparing time to the announcement of that Bond movie"

"Are you going to pay attention to the rest of the news cast?" said the bespectacled woman, folding her arms, "This is the second time they've ran the story on the channel, and you have'nt gotten to the good stuff yet"

"Like what?"

"Like her saying she was saved from a mob by a Ninja" said Irma, "And it fits your handsome mug"

"I was held up in the Hilton hassled about on the telephone by a media buzzard trying to egg me to go on _Question Time,_ eyewitnesses and everything, how the hell could I have been there? Oh god, that has to mean one of our band of brothers played knight in shitting armor"

"She claims she heard Yoshi's name dropped during the attack, she wants to arrange a meeting with you, your sensei, and the family. All in one room. She says she wants to help, she's afraid her eyewitness account has implicated your family in the thefts..."

"And you happened to fucking schedule it" Raphael said

"I wasn't going to, but you did make fun of my sweater" she said

"Irma...you're way more knitted than your fucking sweater, you're the kind who'd fucking bake it it in a cake if a former pop star giant with no willy came to you with an appointment. Anything to spite a bloke with a chip on their chin" Raphael cussed.

Irma waved to him as she turned her back and headed for the water fountain to the left of the swing doors

Burne put a hand on Raphael's shoulder, "Cheer up lad, this is your first real attempt at spin at last, remember how that song goes.._.I keep going to the river to pray..."_

"See me Burne? Yeah, my vote sent that one OFF the X-Factor. Don't be like me"


	2. Episode II

**EPISODE II**

**SEVERAL DAYS LATER**

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><p>"They're thinking of doing away with double jeopardy, you hear about that?" said Leonardo as his brothers huddled around the quiet office littered with novelty paintings, herbs, spices and half torn pages of Ian Rankin Rebus novels, the stench of cigarette ash everywhere.<p>

"What's double jeopardy?" said Donatello, fidgeting with a rubix cube apprehensively

"It's when you're not capable of being convicted for two separate crimes if you've only been charged for one, and one of those crimes on your end is not listening to a fucking word I've been saying" said Raphael as he stormed into the office, snatched the cube from Donatello's hands and threw it in the bin

"Hey, what was that for? I was attentive. Sharp and alert" said Donatello

"These things have been around since the fucking stone age, back when computers and mobiles were made out of fucking bricks and where people wore shells all their owns for suits, don't pay attention to the cashed checks of the past, your maximum port of power is now"

"He's just being curious, his sort usually are, that's what leads to inventions from him, that's all how he gets things done" said Leonardo in defense of his brother

"What does yapping about the pigs on this concrete farm contribute to what ought to be a fucking spot-on topic?" asked Raphael

"I'm trying to make some sense of the world we're living in. Your world" said Leonardo, "We all share it"

"Keep your faggot friendly 'all is shared and connected' with the dodgy Wonga ladies"

Raphael noticed the most youthful of the group in terms of energy and attitude, Michelangelo, walking in with the subject of the meeting

"What's he doing with her?" he asked

"Oh we sent Mike ahead to pick her up" said Donatello

"They sound like they're having a laugh"

"They were having a drive actually. Took a selfie while taking the van out for a spin"

"It's not on his Facebook is it?"

"We shouldn't do any form media…we shouldn't technically be doing _this_" said Leonardo

The lady, attired head to toe in a yellow jumpsuit, and Michelangelo, wearing slacks over his legs with braces attached to his shell, both waltzed into the office

"Sorry I'm late guys, April O'Neil, Channel Six; traffic held me up, then the Sony hacks leak broke so they got me covering the entertainment area to get their perspective on pulling _The Interview_"

"Yeah, brilliant strategy from Korea…look everyone, Angela's a brat and James Franco is responsible for Sony's biggest disaster than that Spider-Man movie where he wasn't the fucking Goblin" snarked Raphael.

"Well shall we ease us in with the friendly formalities like I did with Mike here, or should I cut things down as cold and calmly as possible?" she said

"Perhaps we should wait for our master, it is who she expects to see" said Leonardo

"Oh no, I'm keeping the line here" said Raphael, "We're not going up and down recounting our birthday to fucking banana trousers over here"

"Watch it dude" said Michelangelo, "She really wants to help, and I think April here has a good campaign prepped"

"You were behind those robberies" said April.

Raphael looked at Michelangelo, "When you'd concoct this strategy? Four fucking Twenty?"

"Look, I want to help you guys, but that's what my editors want to run with, not me, they say If I don't get to see your 'sensei' is it? And put him on the spot, I have to run with that story. You guys fight like ninjas, ninjas are behind most of these 'tech robberies, and I heard one of my attackers use the name 'Saki', which, if I recall correctly from my research, has a history or so with Yoshi"

"Can I just impart a _little_ bit of wisdom, and by little, I mean something of grander proportion than the average side of a Turtle's cock…Hamato Yoshi is no giant rat of Sumatra, he is a mouse in a maze, and he can't find the cheese, because I've eaten it. Put it on a fresh pizza-_whoosh_-away. Like that. All he'll give you is the scoop, you can't spin anything, that's why he's caught me up to do the deeds in these case by case scenarios…if you try to publish that story, I promise you will emerge from it in a manner befitting a bum nursing his wounds with the water piling in from the sodding sewers"

"Is that a threat?"

"No, it's a fucking Jane Austen novel. You took a picture. A pretty little picture"

"Actually, I did" said Michelangelo.

"He did. And he's got a Facebook. The only one of us four, shrouded as we are, to be thick enough to put one up. No photos. As yet. But I've got two things, a selfie, and selfishness"

April caught on to what he meant

"You'll put it up"

"And implicate you. As a playdate"

"You'll expose yourselves just to make it look like I'm in league with you"

"You want to try and sell us a different story? One that doesn't work around _your_ chosen perimeters?"

"You don't have the balls"

"I don't need the balls, I've got a cock that's _like_ a wrecking ball and I know people like you just can't resist netting it in the hole"

"You'll publish the photo, and then suggest I've SLEPT with one of you?" realized April

"Won't that make good human interest. Probably get the creationists all peeved too. It'll take their penniless eyes off of the morality cow known as "Gary and Steve", the slogan for your type will be "Shells lead to hell"

"You're a bastard" said April

"No, I'm your lifeline, work with us, or be worked, that's how it's spun with my department" said Raphael

April elbowed Michelangelo

"This is your fault" she said

"Does that mean our date is cancelled?"

"…Not on Skype it isn't"

"You have Skype too? How are we…at all…concealed from the public when we're drifting online and in here?"

"I wear my facial on the chats…she thinks it's a turn on" Michelangelo said

"Pipe down" April muttered

This was music to Raphael's ears.

"Oh…oh so you ARE fucking then? And here I thought 'a little bit of truth so they always believe the lie', but we're talking full disclosure now? Aw you and your big fucking gorgeous mouth Mike"

"Ok, ok, no Yoshi, but I need to track down who's causing these robberies. You…you Turtles, creatures…guys, bastards, whatever, going to tell me anything?"

"We'd be happy to help Ms. O'Neil" said Leonardo, "Maybe it's best we tell you our side of the story, perhaps we ought to grow with this experience and take charge of our own destiny"

"_Pick your own adventure with Leonardo, _just land on any pages where you meet a grizzly end, I've reserved page 69 for a fucking leak" said Raphael.


	3. Episode III

**EPISODE III**

**SEVERAL WEEKS LATER**

**JANUARY 2015**

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><p>Burne stepped out of the taxi, his foot stepping into a puddle which seemed far too deep for the curb it was placed on. Even <em>with<em> a drain nearby. Nature, it seemed, was conspiring against him, determined to make his day as problematic as possible.

New Year had not long sprung, and with it the usual issues atop key problems. The news had become dominated by recent tragedies abroad, which had taken the focus off of a cycle of repetitious coverage of policies from the opposing parties in the run-up to the general election. On top of that, there had been fresh complications arising from the closure of the Stockman programme. He had been recruited by an anonymous third party and implicated in the attack on April O'Neil's apartment complex. His mousers having raised it to the ground

Burne was now trying to maintain damage control, on the phone to his peers in the party.

"Look, can we please just get her a house that does not have some kind of party project attached to it? No constituency wall, no renovation promises, It'll make her look like she's part of the agenda" Burne spoke over the phone, "Just strip it down to the apple core…"

He paused briefly while the other end of the phone spoke for a bit.

"I am not the worm wriggling about in the center. Don't use resignation analogies on me. I know full well what the implications are. No…well, yes, well…no and yes, I cannot commit to resignation until a month-long span has passed, I need to wait it out so everyone can get their bearings. I've always wanted to work more in news anyway…."

As Burne entered the offices of DASFOOT, he was greeted by people in the party needling him like a bunch of anxious schoolchildren. Someone even threw a crumpled piece of paper at him and very gingerly sliding back into his seat, which he spun around in a delighted whirly motion.

"Oh yes Gallows, twist and turn like you're on the fucking Magic 'Roundabout, it'll be time for bed pretty soon given how lazy you royal fucks are" Burne yelled.

"You'd be best to thaw yourself out Ice Man, 'least I throw my feet into the fire and burn you like Baxter did" Gallows taunted.

Burne sat down at his desk and stared up at the tiled roof of the offices, playing a game of mental shapes with the walls, making each line in the tiles out to be some sort of cross from which he would be crucified on.

"Anyone got urinal information?" asked Irma as she stepped two-and-fro and sideways from her desk.

"What the fuck are you doing?" asked Burne

"Line-dancing. I used to do it on Wednesday, then it got moved up to Tuesdays, but I'm working around then stuck with the coalition of cubicles, so I have to settle for the old day, and it just so happens I work this day too, so you must all suffer for my art"

"What's this about urinal information?" asked Vernon

"It's not a girl thing, so don't expect your curiosity to be piqued by what goes on in our privates with our privates" said Irma, "Something I picked up from Raphael, anytime the big wigs who are taking a stand in the elections take a stand in the toilets, he eavesdrops on what they're exchanging to one another while slashing and then sends it up to me to take notes of. Raph is off today, so I need someone to take his spot there. Obviously I can't do it because the dicks are attached to all the heads"

"Put someone in there that leaks more than pee" said Vernon. "Crass joke there I know, just trying to matter on a Wednesday for once"

"Stick Burne in there, so we can see what frozen urine is like" said Gallows

"Oh leave him alone, you don't know what you've got 'till it's resigned, that's your problem" said Irma, walking up to Burne and putting a hand on his shoulder

"Pay them no mind Mr. Thompson" she said, "You want to try line-dancing? I might stick some music on next"

"Please make it _running tracks_ cut, Burne needs to empty the physical fridge he's carrying" sneered Gallows

"Now you are just bang cock out of order" snapped Irma.

"Oh go bang-A-Cock Langestien; I know that's a rare feat for someone who hasn't tried it since 1987"

"Can we please get off this subject?" said Burne

"Oh I can get off alright, easiest thing to accomplish"

"You're really bringing the week down; I'll have you know Thursday is the start of my weekend"

"Then how am I ruining YOUR week if it's only a three-day stint?"

"All this bathroom humour is putting me right off my dinner" replied Irma, "Forget I said anything"

"Retcon your personal time stream, gonna need a big DeLorean for that, try riding Burne, he's known to freeze up whenever he comes back from the stone age"

"I'm sorry Mr. Thompson" said Irma, close to tears, "I think I'll definitely put a track on"

"That's fine Irma…it's just…Baxter's in the asylum now, cutting his project drove a man to insanity, how do I live with myself even in the wake of a resignation? Do I take up the moral crusade and try to redeem him in whatever paper I'll end up running?"

"You can always try campus 'sheets, give the youth an impression, give them a voice" replied Irma

"Yeah, so long as they don't squeak because their beach-sized balls have yet to fly past the 'net and drop" continued an ever so sly Gallows.


End file.
